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BLACK IS WHITE LAW DICTIONARY

Tongue in cheek but pathetically true!

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A.B.A.
1. short for American Bar Association or  2. Arrogant Bullshit Artists.
Abuse Of Discretion:
1. original meaning, now rarely used, was to describe a faulty process of reasoning when performing a discretionary act  2. now term means whatever suits our fancy  3. synonymous with term "Black Hole", i.e. we know its out there but damn if we know what it is.
Ad Hoc Decision:
1. Whatever 2. A screwing so fine tuned it can target a specific hemorrhoid
Aerobic Activity:
1. the healthy practice of going to and returning from back room meetings.
Appeal:
1. that which makes injustice impossible  2. the process where time and financial cost to litigants must never be taken into consideration  3. the process which allows us to do as we damn well please  4. that which covers our ass.
Arrogance or Arrogant:
1. Judicial self esteem  2. term used by the unenlightened to describe Judges and Lawyers who are confident and comfortable in their position  3. term applied to those with power to decide right from wrong without regarding right from wrong.
Attorney:
1. business partners  2. club members.
Back Room Meetings:
1. term synonymous with "open court."
Bullshit:
term commonly used by the unintelligent, uneducated or unenlightened when describing misunderstood Legal Analysis and Judicial Determinations.
Civil Rights:
1. formerly things like right to life, liberty and property  2. more recently things like the right not to be pinched in the ass and the right to marry insects.
Constitution:
1. common cause of rectal pain in the Judiciary  2. great document for the resourceful and effective  3. should be condensed for the unresourceful and ineffective.
Common Sense:
1. form of logic reserved for common people  2. objectively unverifiable form of logic  3. form of logic that minimizes or eliminates the highly specialized hair splitting , perpetuitous analysis that helps us appear more intelligent than the masses  4. form of logic non expert in nature.
Contempt:
1. due process for the assertive or uncooperative  2. the means by which the Judiciary molds attorneys.
Discretion:
1. judicial free will  2. a great "catch all" to justify whatever it is we do.  3. former meaning dealt with judicial exercise in areas where there was no clear law or hard and fast rules. Today discretion is omnipresent.
Discretionary Act:
1. the exercise of judicial free will unencumbered by law, reason, logic or common sense.
Due Process:
1. perpetuity  2. perpetual motions  3. legal and procedural minutiae  4. selective adherence to the Secret Canons Of Judicial Conduct  5. process which is not paid for.  6. First, decide how we want the case to go.  Second, formulate a legal logic to support our decision.  Third, manipulate, dissect or eliminate the facts and evidence to support our decision.  Then the rubber stamp doctrine of "judicial discretion" will prevent most decisions from being overturned!
End Result:
1. one of the things not to be considered [others being race, color, sex etc.] when rendering legal decisions except when professional embarrassment, media attention or upsetting the status quo will result  2. that which can negatively affect objectivity.
Evidence:
1. matters we choose to accept as relevant utilizing a standard which may be disconnected from objective reality  2. matters that allow us to direct the course of a trial  3. sometimes called judicial slight of hand.
Ex parte:
1. rule prohibiting inappropriate contact or discussion with a party other than a Pro Se litigant or the unresourceful and ineffective.
Experts:
1. one of the best tools devised to deny jury trials to the unresourceful and ineffective  2. those who organize or disorganize, identify or misidentify and label or mislabel particulate matter into a truth or evidence for recognition by and consideration of the trier of fact  3. people whose job is similar to the replicators on Star Trek.
Fair:
1. term means what the Judiciary says it means  2. adherence to the Secret Canons of Judicial Conduct  3. a festival or gathering.
Fair and Just:
1. term describing a pipedream or fantasy  2. term describing strict adherence to the Secret Canons Of Judicial Conduct  3. common names for twins in the Netherlands.
Free Will:
1. judicial discretion
Honorable:
1. worthy of honor because of position instead of performance.
Impartial:
1. unbiased, objective...whatever the hell that means.
Income Taxes:
1. the best damn hoax in history  2. Washington KY jelly.
Independence Of The Judiciary:
1. Judicial rationale to justify Judicial Determinations  2. effective argument to cover up mistakes  3. that which assists Judicial self esteem.
Injustice:
1. justice for the unenlightened  2. term used by those not understanding Justice  3. synonymous with term "Judicial Efficiency".
IRS:
1. the second best damn hoax in history [see Income Taxes]  2. the organization Congress pretends to desire changing  3. the biggest bluffers and liars in the Country  4. the congressional ATM  5. organization which forcefully collects voluntary income taxes.   6. sometimes synonymous with organized crime.
Judicial Determinations:
1. legal decisions which may or may not be based on the arguments raised  2. decisions made after every possible method of delay has been utilized  3. usually synonymous with Status Quo.
Judicial Discretion:
1. See Discretion, Discretionary Act and  Free Will.
Judicial Efficiency:
1. Fancy word for 'railroading' 2. Synonymous with term Injustice and phrase "Screw, we don't have time for you."  2. that which takes priority over full and fair justice.
Judicial Misconduct:
1. term commonly misapplied to a Judge's attempts at efficiency.  2.  mythical, non existent conduct  3. a paradox.
Judiciary:
1. group of Judges forever more impressed with themselves than they should be  2. group of Judges highly respected and regarded regardless of their production or quality of work.  3. synonymous with Royalty.
Jury Nullification:
1. formerly power of informed jury to vote their conscience  2. term now considered as offensive and as unmentionable as faggot, nigger, jew, bitch etc.
Just:
1. abbreviation for the name Justin or Justina.
Justice:
1. the precious and proper administration of laws effectuated by legal analysis and the Secret Canons of Judicial Conduct; said administration being unaffected by the end result, even when the end result is the improper administration of laws.  2. more of a privilege than a right.  3. due to the value of Justice, every possible option of denial should be considered so it never is dispensed casually, freely or indiscriminately.
Justice For All:
1. "all" in this phrase means those who are left standing after judiciously applying the Secret Canons of Judicial Conduct and legal analysis to their case  2. phrase really means the possibility of Justice for all provided the person desiring Justice knows or can pay for skills effective in the manipulation of legal and procedural minutiae and the Secret Canons of Judicial Conduct.
Law:
1. the vast selection of written and unwritten ingredients which we recipe to make Judicial Decisions.  2. analogous to the Bible in that it can be made to say whatever one desires  3. impossible to break provided a Judicial Decision incorporates it in some form or fashion.  4. synonymous with the terms "Silly Putty" and "Whatever"  5. written word with the power to create illusion of equal and fair justice for all.
Legal Analysis or Legal Reasoning:
1. thinking usually independent of and unaffected by objective reality  2. the process of using legal terms to alter, create or deny reality  3. process used to maintain or assist the status quo, power structure and the resourceful and effective  4. a thought process commonly raised to the level of stupidity while maintaining the appearance of brilliance  5. sometimes called inverted intelligence.
Limine, Motion in:
1. selection or elimination of evidence for the purpose of directing a trial in the direction we feel it should go  2. legal tool which can never result in injustice due to the right of appeal.
Logic:
1. the word "cigol" spelled backwards  2. term meaning Logistically Organized Gobbledygook  Intended to Confuse  3. form of mental masturbation  4. a great video arcade game.
Militias:
1. fruitcakes under the delusion the Constitution, Bill Of Rights and the principles this Country were founded on are still in full effect.  2. terrible followers who won't listen and ask too many questions.
No one or Noone:
The secret last name of all Judges so they won't be lying when they say, "No one is above the law."
No one is above the law:
Phrase is analogous to "Santa or the Easter Bunny is coming."  2. Phrase which results in roars of laughter amongst drunken Judges and Lawyers.
Objective Reality:
1. that which is unwritten and usually not incorporated into Legal Analysis or Judicial Decisions  2. that which can not be verified  3. that which requires expert testimony for verification and identification.
Objectivity:
1. whatever is the preferred viewpoint of the judiciary  2. opposite of "reality based"
Open Court:
1. a court having a door that opens and closes without obstruction.
Plea Bargain:
1. an effective tool to avoid those damn juries and hide prosecutorial misconduct, overcharging and abuse.  3. justice for the unresourceful and ineffective
Poor:
1. the Unresourceful and Ineffective  2. those that shouldn't ask for what they can't pay for.
Pro Se Litigant:
1. litigants with invalid arguments  2. bastards who forget we are trying to run a business here  3. those who don't understand what "members only" means  4. those unfamiliar with their place in this world.
Prosecutorial Misconduct:
1. term commonly misapplied to Prosecutor's attempts at efficiency.  2.  mythical, non existent conduct  3. a paradox.
Relevance or Relevant:
1. that which suits the fancy of the Judiciary  2. synonymous with "Judicial personal opinion".
Res Judicata:
1. legal term describing revolving door used to give the bum's rush out the courtroom to the Unresourceful and Ineffective  2. Latin term meaning, "we made up our mind before you came in and this procedure covers our ass."  3. legal doctrine used to deny the Unresourceful and Ineffective a full and fair hearing on the merits  4. legal tool used to create the illusion of due process.
Resourceful and Effective:
1. terms used to describe those having the means or ability to command our attention [i.e. wealthy, connected to a power structure, able to attract media attention]  2. those effective in the manipulation of legal and procedural minutiae and the Secret Canons of Judicial Conduct  3. those whose financial, political or social status and resources are incorporated into our Legal Analysis  4. can be used to describe the rich    Compare to Unresourceful and Ineffective
Right:
1. A turn one can take at some red lights. 2. our spin on the events before us  3. Judicial Determinations  4. regulated privileges or favors granted by Government.
Right To Bear Arms:
1. regulated privilege granted by the Constitution giving Citizens the right to wear tank tops, athletic T-shirts, sleeveless blouses or in some form or fashion leave their arms exposed in public.
Rights:
1. The turns one can take at some red lights.  2. regulated privileges  3. favors of Government.
Royalty:
1. not used, but in principle refers to the Judiciary or the resourceful and effective
Sovereign:
1. outdated term commonly used by anti-government groups.  2. threatening term which is best avoided  3. vague, undefined.
Status Quo:
1. golf on Thursdays  2. Judicial "comfort zone"  3. synonymous with term "loyalty."
Truth:
1. whatever experts say for pay  2. whatever the Judiciary decides through the use of Legal Analysis.
Unenlightened:
1. litigants unknowledgeable regarding our position and power.
Unresourceful and Ineffective:
1. terms used to describe those not having the means or ability to command our attention [i.e. the poor, unconnected to a power structure, unable to attract media attention]  2. those not effective in the manipulation of legal and procedural minutiae and the Secret Canons of Judicial Conduct  3. those whose financial, political or social status or resources is not incorporated into our Legal Analysis unless said status commands influence.   4. can be used to describe the Poor  5. Compare to Resourceful and Effective
Voice Of The People
1. who the hell knows what this means, all voices sound different to us.
Will Of The People
1. legally unsound, everyone should make out their own will.

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